A news of a dying loved one can make us undergo a series of emotional turmoils. Most of religions have their own interpretations of what happens to us after death. Whether we are members of a religion or not, it is natural for us to experience a certain degree of fear when we talk about death especially when we cannot exactly know what our loved one is experiencing.
Fear makes us react with a "flight or fight" response. News about a loved one's approaching death makes it difficult for us to share what has happened with others. We start to disregard our daily routine and spend more time for visits. Or, you start to show angst towards the medical factors such as the doctor's diagnosis of your loved one. Difficult emotions begin to pile up, and since we cannot run away or fight off death, these emotions can be harnessed in other aspects of our lives, such as our jobs or personal relationships.
Family tensions that are normal on a day to day basis may become heightened as we shift our feelings from the situation we cannot ultimately control. One example of the "flight response" is how the distant aunt or close by son who is reluctant to visit may become the focus of attention. And this transfer of underlying emotions can easily shift between "flight" and "fight." A small issue could become an angry confrontation. The aunt or son, for example, might very well eventually arrive for a visit, but because they too were struggling with their own "flight" response and arrived somewhat later than everyone else, may find themselves the recipients of angry stares or remarks.
These are part of the "pre-grieving" which is also known as "anticipatory grief" by chaplains, medical staff, and social workers. We must be aware of the hidden fear amongst the different emotions we experience before and during our visits with our loved one. It is necessary that we recognize this fear as a natural response towards a vexing situation. This helps us find a constructive outlet for our pent-up emotions through caring for our loved ones and providing them the most comfortable scenario during their final moments.
Once we overcome our fears toward death and dying, we begin to see that our loved ones are having similar or even stronger feelings about the entire situation. Our energies can be harnessed toward giving them comfort and encouragement. How we do this relies on how close we are with the dying person as well as their own personalities. Dying is a serious matter, but it need not be dismal. A healthy dose of humor can be an excellent way for family and friends to be with their loved one.
In all of this, take your cues from the one who is dying. If they are up to a gentle playfulness, engage them in a story you know they will enjoy, perhaps a well known family faux pas or something silly the newest nephew or niece recently said. Hold their hand, look into their eyes. You, your loved one and surrounding family and friends will discover once again that love is the most powerful emotion we humans have, and that while it cannot change the fact that death is a difficult experience, it can uplift us through those times, leaving us with abiding memories of the last time(s) we were with our loved one.
Fear makes us react with a "flight or fight" response. News about a loved one's approaching death makes it difficult for us to share what has happened with others. We start to disregard our daily routine and spend more time for visits. Or, you start to show angst towards the medical factors such as the doctor's diagnosis of your loved one. Difficult emotions begin to pile up, and since we cannot run away or fight off death, these emotions can be harnessed in other aspects of our lives, such as our jobs or personal relationships.
Family tensions that are normal on a day to day basis may become heightened as we shift our feelings from the situation we cannot ultimately control. One example of the "flight response" is how the distant aunt or close by son who is reluctant to visit may become the focus of attention. And this transfer of underlying emotions can easily shift between "flight" and "fight." A small issue could become an angry confrontation. The aunt or son, for example, might very well eventually arrive for a visit, but because they too were struggling with their own "flight" response and arrived somewhat later than everyone else, may find themselves the recipients of angry stares or remarks.
These are part of the "pre-grieving" which is also known as "anticipatory grief" by chaplains, medical staff, and social workers. We must be aware of the hidden fear amongst the different emotions we experience before and during our visits with our loved one. It is necessary that we recognize this fear as a natural response towards a vexing situation. This helps us find a constructive outlet for our pent-up emotions through caring for our loved ones and providing them the most comfortable scenario during their final moments.
Once we overcome our fears toward death and dying, we begin to see that our loved ones are having similar or even stronger feelings about the entire situation. Our energies can be harnessed toward giving them comfort and encouragement. How we do this relies on how close we are with the dying person as well as their own personalities. Dying is a serious matter, but it need not be dismal. A healthy dose of humor can be an excellent way for family and friends to be with their loved one.
In all of this, take your cues from the one who is dying. If they are up to a gentle playfulness, engage them in a story you know they will enjoy, perhaps a well known family faux pas or something silly the newest nephew or niece recently said. Hold their hand, look into their eyes. You, your loved one and surrounding family and friends will discover once again that love is the most powerful emotion we humans have, and that while it cannot change the fact that death is a difficult experience, it can uplift us through those times, leaving us with abiding memories of the last time(s) we were with our loved one.
About the Author:
Hear how Chaplain Marilyn Morris helps those whose loved ones are dying. You will come to see how her stories inform and edify you as you deal with or help others with dying loved ones. This free 45 minute podcast provides wonderfully helpful yet "gentle" insights, ideas & tips. www.DeathDying.org
