(Read my frank confessions here. When faced with danger, an ostrich digs its face in ground. I am no different. Whenever life posed that daring question in front of me, I found the ostrich within me seeking excuses to close the eyes to the question. But the few visions of the question that I could catch during those fearful moments were sufficient to change my life forever. The ostrich had to take its face out of the ground! Read on...)
I woke up in the night and found myself sweating profusely. I felt like being choked. My mind felt all blank in fear. It was again one of those bouts I recall having since my early childhood. The same fundamental question engulfed my mind - Is this all going to end?
Death will eventually win the race. All my dear ones will die and so shall I. Suddenly there would be no thoughts, no feelings, no sensation and only blankness. Even peace will not be there. Even if I extend my life to mythological limits, yet this is one race I would finally lose. And in case I continue the race so long, it only means that all those loved ones who make this life so worthwhile will no more be there besides me. Thus, I am doomed in any case.
There is nothing certain in life. There is no guarantee that I would accomplish any of my plans or dreams. But one thing is certain - death. No one could bypass it and nor could I do it. I could feel everyone and everything around me already dead and meaningless. Life and living is all so meaningless. All my successes, all my failures, all my friends, all my enemies, all my fame, all my blames, everything will abruptly end for me as it has ended for every creature born.
Success, failure etc are so temporary. Further, if we look at expanse of the universe in space and time scales - we humans are nothing more than a pencil dot on surface of earth. Universe is 14 billion years old. Even a middle-aged star like sun is 4.5 billion years old as per scientists. How does a life of few decades matter here! The earth we live in is not even a speck in the vast size of universe. Thus, I am only an insignificant point in this infinite space-time. I did not control my birth. I cannot do anything about my death after a short glimpse. My memories, feelings, emotions all are meaningless. Finally they all would extinguish as I extinguish under the wind of death. This is the only ruthless truth.
I recalled a faint memory from childhood. I was around four or five years old. In the night, I asked my mother, "Mummy, will I die one day?" She did not know what to answer. She tried to deviate the topic, "No, nothing will happen to you. Go to sleep now. You have school tomorrow." I again asked, "Does everyone who takes birth die? Will grandma, grandfather, you, papa also die?" She said, "You should not talk like this about your elders. You should respect them. Now go to sleep." I did not ask anything more. But I was far from satisfied. This was my first experience of this bout that I can recollect. Next day, I asked papa, "Papa, how long will I live. Please see my hand." He smiled and brought my palm closer. He pretended to analyze it carefully and replied, "You will live for 102 years. Don't worry!" I shot back, "That means I will die after 102 years. And will you, mummy, grandma, grandpa also live with me for 102 years?" He tried to deviate from the topic, "You should currently focus on your studies. This is your immediate priority. 102 years is very far off." I was not convinced, "But that time will also necessarily come na! And then I will die." He said, "If you study hard, you will never die."
I almost forgot that incident soon after. But it did make me a bright student though. After all, I had no other alternative to escape the brutal grip of death. Soon, I even forgot the reason, but got addiction of studying. But now, I was having a much clear recall of this forgotten incident. I recalled that this is one question for which no satisfactory answer has yet been deciphered by me. And even if that reply of father made me a good student, it hardly matters. Because with death, everything and everyone shall end forever - including what I studied and learned.
In a snapshot, my entire life came before me. The theme was my frantic search for solution to this most fundamental problem of escaping death. I recalled how this recurrent bout will suddenly open my eyes each time to a reality that I could not face or understand. And how it would make me even more frantic. (To continue, visit my homepage)
I woke up in the night and found myself sweating profusely. I felt like being choked. My mind felt all blank in fear. It was again one of those bouts I recall having since my early childhood. The same fundamental question engulfed my mind - Is this all going to end?
Death will eventually win the race. All my dear ones will die and so shall I. Suddenly there would be no thoughts, no feelings, no sensation and only blankness. Even peace will not be there. Even if I extend my life to mythological limits, yet this is one race I would finally lose. And in case I continue the race so long, it only means that all those loved ones who make this life so worthwhile will no more be there besides me. Thus, I am doomed in any case.
There is nothing certain in life. There is no guarantee that I would accomplish any of my plans or dreams. But one thing is certain - death. No one could bypass it and nor could I do it. I could feel everyone and everything around me already dead and meaningless. Life and living is all so meaningless. All my successes, all my failures, all my friends, all my enemies, all my fame, all my blames, everything will abruptly end for me as it has ended for every creature born.
Success, failure etc are so temporary. Further, if we look at expanse of the universe in space and time scales - we humans are nothing more than a pencil dot on surface of earth. Universe is 14 billion years old. Even a middle-aged star like sun is 4.5 billion years old as per scientists. How does a life of few decades matter here! The earth we live in is not even a speck in the vast size of universe. Thus, I am only an insignificant point in this infinite space-time. I did not control my birth. I cannot do anything about my death after a short glimpse. My memories, feelings, emotions all are meaningless. Finally they all would extinguish as I extinguish under the wind of death. This is the only ruthless truth.
I recalled a faint memory from childhood. I was around four or five years old. In the night, I asked my mother, "Mummy, will I die one day?" She did not know what to answer. She tried to deviate the topic, "No, nothing will happen to you. Go to sleep now. You have school tomorrow." I again asked, "Does everyone who takes birth die? Will grandma, grandfather, you, papa also die?" She said, "You should not talk like this about your elders. You should respect them. Now go to sleep." I did not ask anything more. But I was far from satisfied. This was my first experience of this bout that I can recollect. Next day, I asked papa, "Papa, how long will I live. Please see my hand." He smiled and brought my palm closer. He pretended to analyze it carefully and replied, "You will live for 102 years. Don't worry!" I shot back, "That means I will die after 102 years. And will you, mummy, grandma, grandpa also live with me for 102 years?" He tried to deviate from the topic, "You should currently focus on your studies. This is your immediate priority. 102 years is very far off." I was not convinced, "But that time will also necessarily come na! And then I will die." He said, "If you study hard, you will never die."
I almost forgot that incident soon after. But it did make me a bright student though. After all, I had no other alternative to escape the brutal grip of death. Soon, I even forgot the reason, but got addiction of studying. But now, I was having a much clear recall of this forgotten incident. I recalled that this is one question for which no satisfactory answer has yet been deciphered by me. And even if that reply of father made me a good student, it hardly matters. Because with death, everything and everyone shall end forever - including what I studied and learned.
In a snapshot, my entire life came before me. The theme was my frantic search for solution to this most fundamental problem of escaping death. I recalled how this recurrent bout will suddenly open my eyes each time to a reality that I could not face or understand. And how it would make me even more frantic. (To continue, visit my homepage)
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